Feeling kinda....

I ran into a REALLY old friend of mine on my walk home from work today. He's probably one of my oldest friends from Athens that I still truly enjoy seeing. This is the time of year that all the old friends come out of the wood work. They are all home from the holidays and haunting their old stomping grounds. It's inevitable that you'll see one in the bar on Friday night or you'll be seated next to them at the Grit. And for the most part it's good. It's good to reminisce. It's good to catch up. It's good to exchange cell phone numbers and email addresses even though you know as well as they do that you all won't talk and will end up doing the same thing all over again the following year. That's how it works. That's how it will always work and it is good. The particular friend I ran into tonight is one of these friends. I love seeing him. I love introducing him to my friends and watching them look puzzled by the six foot dreadlock guy before them who dazzles them with his humor and stymies them with stories about me that not many people in my life now know or believe. This is a friend from the "pale years." He's a friend that I spent many a delinquent night bickering with like the fun brother I never had. He's a friend that, most likely, still owes me money from one of the ten times I bailed him out of jail. He's a good friend. At some point down the line he became best friends with the first love. It was inevitable. You loved your old friend and it was great that he was best friends with the first love. The three of you continue the adventure. You move across country and live in a shitty apartment eating ramen noodles because you can barely pay rent. The whole time the old friend and the true love are planning a life that you are not sure you want to be a part of. They are planning a life that is a bit too off the grid for you. They are planning a life that doesn't include you finishing college or working for a non profit. They planned a life that you came pretty close to emerging yourself in before you realized that it might not be the best idea. Running into your old friend you realize that he's still doing it. A new town but the same life and he's happy. And you are honestly happy for him. You can't wait to see that friend again when he is back in town for Christmas. Then you hit the walk home and all those old times come rushing back. It's not that it makes you feel bad but more like....insecure and totally confident all at the same time. You realize that he is a part of the first loves life and not yours. You know you haven't spoken with the first love in years and you know you don't want to...ever again but you can't help but now associate that old friend that you love to death with that old love. It's sort of depressing really. In a way that old friend is subjected to the animosity you had toward the old love. Maybe not directly. Your not harboring bad feelings toward the old love. I mean you are but it doesn't keep you up at night. Mostly, you're relieved the old love isn't a part of your life anymore. You weren't rude to the old friend but in the back of your brain you can't help but wonder what the old love told him about you or what the old friend will tell the old love. How does the old friend view you now? Will he go back and tell the old love that you looked old/ looked beautiful/ looked dumpy? You think out loud that you were glad that you had on your good jeans and looked sort of stylish. You're glad that your life is in order and focused. You're glad that your in love....real love...not teenage first love love. You're glad that when you get home you know you will see the boy and you will see your dog and you will be graciously welcomed home to your life. Most importantly, you're glad you will see the old friend in a week or two. You and he and the boy will grab a drink a talk about how crazy you used to be. You will exchange numbers and look forward to your holiday ritual next year and it will be good.