A Whiter Brighter Smile....

I went to the dentist for a cleaning yesterday. I figured they may as well be clean while the oral surgeon cuts away at my mouth. I have to be honest with you. It has been YEARS since I had a good cleaning not due to a lack of hygiene but more because of a lack of dental insurance. While I was waiting for the dentist to run in with dollar signs in his eyes and talk to me about the upcoming surgeries, I overheard a little girl in the next room who was having her teeth cleaned. Here's how the conversation went...

Dental Hygientist: I am going to scoot you up in the chair now so I can clean your teeth
child slid up chair
Child: Wait. My pants are falling down
Dental Hygientist: I am sorry! I didn't mean for your britches to fall off
Child: Don't call them britches! I know what that means!
Dental Hygientist: Well, britches are pants
Child: If you call them britches again I will punch you!

After the exchange was over, I got to thinking. Remember when you were a kid and going to the dentist always felt like it took all day. It was just awful. They dug at your teeth with those horrible machines that make the worst noise. You always had to choose between bubble gum, mint, or orange flavored fluoride none of which tasted good. Then you would always gag when they stuck the fluoride mouth piece in your mouth and you always ended up swallowing some no matter how much you wiggled that suction tube around in your mouth. The flouride would inevitabley make you feel a little nauseous but "you can't eat or drink for a half an hour." It was always miserable and stressful but at the end you would get a goodie bag and a toy. You would get gross flavored toothpaste (normally bubble gum)and some crazy colored toothbush. The hygientist would give you a sucker (just to make sure you would be back in six months with a mouth full of cavities) that you would want to eat so bad but couldn't "for thirty minutes." Then you could pick a spider ring, an army man, or some other sort of toy. What made it tolerable was the goodie bag and the toy. You don't get all this as an adult. The cleanings are a cake walk, in and out in 30 minutes, but now all you normally get is bad news and a bill. "Here's your bill for $3000, Ms. Betagirl. No, we can't do a payment plan and your insurance doesn't cover any of this." It made me reminesent for the days of old when going to the dentist always started badly but in the end you got some free stuff and the afternoon off of school.

As I was running all this through my mind, the dentist comes in to tell me about what I am sure is going to be another hit to the old wallet not to mention teeth. And what does he bring me....a fucking goodie bag! There's no toy, no crazy colored toothbrush but it is a goodie bag nonetheless with mouthwash, toothpaste, and a plain old crest toothbrush. With it in hand, I headed back to work with clean teeth and a smile. Thanks, Dr. Barker. You made my day.